5 Albums Ruined By Stupid Ex-Girlfriends
Let me preface by saying that there are lots and lots of albums I genuinely enjoy, a majority of them being complete trash, but they’re catchy and I like them. And in the past, my girlfriends have been simple people, so I couldn’t very well ask them to listen to David Bowie or Neutral Milk Hotel. I gave them simple, enjoyable albums that we could listen to together. I say all this to say… please don’t judge me by the following albums:
Nightmare of You - Nightmare of You
I remember first listening to this album in January 2006 at a cold park, sitting on top of those cement slopes that lead to the roof of the basketball court. We smoked cigarettes and shared earphones and drank coffee. I haven’t heard this album since… well, 2006.
Fall Out Boy - From Under the Cork Tree
Back in 2005 when I listened to shitty music (I mean, I still do, but ONLY shitty music was the norm), this album was my summer album. Me and this girl used it as driving music and got the bright idea to spit off bridges, like in the dumb song. Now I can’t hear this album (and that song specifically) for shit. I suppose it’s a good thing.
Britney Spears - Blackout
So I was emotionally involved with a girl about a year ago when we decided to break it off after 2 and a half years. A month before we did, I’d been babbling about the love of my life Britney and how awesome this album was going to be, and since she liked her too, I bought her the album when it came out. We listened to it together. We learned all the words. Then we broke up and I listened to “Why Should I Be Sad” on repeat while I cried and ran on my treadmill. It took another 7 months before I could listen to it. Fortunately, there’s a new Brit album no bitch is going to ruin for me.
The Spill Canvas - No Really, I’m Fine
Another album I tried to get her to listen to before we split. She didn’t get into it like I did, and after we broke up, I noticed how angry all the songs were, and I would scream them in the car. Shit, I’m bitter as hell, aren’t I?
Something Corporate - Leaving Through the Window (and to a lesser extent, North)
Her name is in a song (“Straw Dog”), plus I sang “Konstantine” to her like a pussy emo kid. SoCo in general is ruined for me. Good thing they broke up (though some people might beg to differ).
If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it oh oh ohhh
Do you ever see someone from afar and create a romantic relationship with this person in your head? Then when you get the chance, the pleasure of meeting them and interacting with them on a one-on-one basis, you wish you hadn’t? You realize that this person has nothing in common with you, has very basic interests, including watching American Idol and just loving The Hills. Does not feel passionately about anything or anyone and, therefore, cannot give his or her opinion because they do not “have one.” This person probably voted for John McCain because they thought Sarah Palin was just “so darn cute,” listens to country music and used to ride 4-wheelers in their old hometown while judging everyone around them.
This is about a girl I met today, and I’ve never been more disappointed.
I Like Selfish People: Part I
This morning I was rejected friendship from a girl I used to know liiiike 4 years ago. I’d sent her an email on Friday, she emailed me back (not once, not twice, but three times - the third time she was getting impatient because I hadn’t written her back… it had only been a day). So we send a few emails. They’re very trite and obviously going nowhere.
This is where I would like to say - I hate… hate hate hate girls who cannot hold a conversation to save their life (skip this paragraph if you would like to be spared a semi-long rant). And I’m not talking about awkward, out of the blue emails with ex-girlfriends. I’m talking about girls I’m currently dating being totally cool and fun to hang out with in person, but in email, they answer you like bam bam bam. Okay, that made no sense. But, for example, if I email them with three paragraphs, three questions to build off of, they email back JUST answering those questions in the same paragraph form, no asking questions, not leaving me anything to build off of. Come on now. What do you expect ME to respond with? “Oh really? That’s cool.” And that’s where the conversation (and interest) dies. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen often because most girls I date have a brain, but a few dummies slip through the cracks.
Back to the story. We’re emailing each other in the same bam bam bam sequence. I’m already getting bored here. Then she asks, “So why did you email me?”
My email back - “Why did I email you? I don’t know. Do you ever do things without really thinking about it, then potentially regret it later? Like calling someone you used to date or texting someone you fucked over. I don’t regret emailing you though, just wanted to see how you were, if anything has changed. Maybe it has. I don’t know.
“But if you don’t want to talk, I can leave you alone. You don’t seem very willing.”
And THEN she says, “I don’t think I do want to keep talking.. There is nothing in it for me. And that’s who I’m about these days. Gotta take care of my star player. I did miss you when I saw your first email though. I have changed. It may not be obvious, but to me I have.”
(Note: It sure would suck if she happened to stumble across my blog, seeing as how I’m copying and pasting word for word here).
I tell her, “In that case, have a good one.” In my mind I’m thinking, “All right you finicky bitch. Go back to your drugs, please and thanks.” But I’m a gentleman, and I don’t.
“You too Jabo.”
Jabo. Why would she call me Jabo? It’s a pet name she used to call me way way way back in the day. But considering the prior email, I can only assume that this girl is bipolar. Damn, she’s so hot though. That sucks. I mean, she’s always been a little kooky, but I wouldn’t expect someone who hated me and didn’t want to talk to me to call me that in our final email. And I don’t need drama anymore. This is why I left Florida.
If you read this whole thing, tell me, what do YOU think? Does she hate me or is she just nutso?
Do I have a lot of time on my hands? Yes. Yes, I do.
Peggy Hill, you damn bitch. I can’t adequately put into words how much I dislike this woman. First, you illegally smuggle a Mexican kid into the United States. Then you bring her back and expect to be treated as a hero. You idiot. Idiot. How in the hell does Hank Hill manage to not divorce your ass? Your hair is outdated, your pants are too high and your tits sag like you’re going to carry them in your grocery basket.
I hate you, you inbred hick.