I was standing in line at the pharmacy and there were two people behind me, a guy and a girl. To our left was a plethora of gossips magazines – People, OK!, Us Weekly, National Enquirer – all of which had at least one picture of Rihanna and her “horrifying ordeal.” The girl says to the guy, “Ooh, I heard this was all just a publicity stunt and she’s just trying to promote her new song. I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO SO IT MUST BE TRUE!” He replies, “Well, …

I hate everyone this week. And good riddance to the five or so girls who were offended by a particular blog. If you would’ve bothered to ASK me if it was about you, you would know it’s not even about anyone who reads this stuff, and you could’ve saved yourself the embarrassment of letting me know that you’re just a girl who makes baseless assumptions.
And I broke my jaw so obviously there will be no kissing and making up any time soon.

My father was a very arrogant and proud man. He looked like Dean Martin, spent money like it was pouring out of his ears, had very powerful friends (typical Italian) and defended his family’s honor in the most public way whenever possible. He was an excellent provider, but a terrible role model. He taught me it was okay to juggle women, to lie and cheat if necessary. He told me to make sure I never get suckered in to having a joint checking account with a woman, never marry unless …

“While some of the projects in the bill make sense, their legislation is larded with wasteful spending. It includes $300 million to buy new cars for the government, $8 billion for high-speed rail projects, such as a magnetic levitation line from Las Vegas to Disneyland, and $140 million for something called volcano monitoring.“Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington, D.C.”
Bobby Jindal, you’re an idiot, and as someone who has extensive knowledge in geology, your remarks about volcano monitoring only further the …

Do you remember when Vince Vaughn was actually skinny and good-looking? Yeah, me neither. But this is a nice reminder.

What if I walked around with a transparent head too? Would you like me more?

Link: Punk’d by the Web
Ashton will never be anyone other than Kelso to me.

I don’t like when you send me dirty pictures of you, you’re not pretty, we’re not eeeeeever going to live together, and I’m not impressed by your desperate attempts to garner my attention. Maybe I don’t respond to you because you’re weird and old and gross and you should get a fucking life.
Yes, I’m a fucking asshole. Deal with it.

Hugh Jackman’s opening number was funnier than I expected.
Penelope Cruz, puedes hablar más pronto? Un poquito por favor.
Ben Stiller as Joaquin wasn’t that funny.
Okay Beyonce, we get it, big thighs are in.
Uhhhh zefron and bbv at the Oscars? Is the sky falling?
Cuba still doesn’t have a job…
I love Heath idgaf what anyone says.
Reese too. Except she looks like a girl I used to be in love with.
Kate Winslet deserved her award and I’m glad that bitch Angie didn’t get a damn thing.
Fuck, Mickey Rourke. You are one ugly motherfucker.
Huge …

Her: I bet they have really awkward sex.
Him: Yep, Mariah imagines it’s Mimi on top of her whilst he imagines Christina Millian.
Me: I can totally see it. Heels, wind machine and Hello Kitty condoms.