Last night, through subsequent clicking, I came across a girl I used to date in college. It was my freshman year, she was a junior. What she wanted with a 18-year-old boy, I don’t know, but I’m not going to complain about a 20-year-old wanting to date me. She was cute and didn’t live in the dorms, so I didn’t spend much time anywhere else but her apartment. It was nice, but we split because I got bored, and she called me a “stupid little boy” because I didn’t want to move in with her. It was nuts.

So I found out last night she’s married. And has kids. And her husband? He looks like he booty-fucked men in prison, and he has tattoos all over his arms, neck, and face. Maybe he’s a good guy, I don’t know. I mean, he either has a big heart or a big cock. Your choice.

I decided to send her a message asking how she was. This was her response:

OMG!! long time no talk!! woow you are definately more handsmoe than i remember. ive been prettyu good but i just found out im pregant again :(:( i know rite?! i feel a lil guilty about drinkin tonight too. so ho wabout you?! kids anda wife? anywayz rite me back!!!

Dead. I am dead.

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