Once upon a time, there was a very large cactus. For a very long time, it stood all alone, very dry and ashy. And then, one day, another cactus came along, and she was very pretty. And all her pointy…

Do you know why I’m writing this tonight?

One. You’re completely and wonderfully beautiful and spectacular, and I think you’ve got to be the cutest, sweetest thing I’ve ever come across.
Two. Well, you’re short. And everyone knows Jake…