2010 Grammys – No wifebeaters allowed.

1. Perfect. Opening. Ever.
2. Britney looks great but I think she forgot her pants.
3. Oh, shut up, Taylor Swift.
4. I think Beyonce just grabbed her balls...
5. lolz Beyaki's drummer looks like a butch Rihanna.
6. Damn, girl. Get up off the floor.
7. Apparently the Grammys is just Beyonce tonight.
8. Awh Jay-Z sure loves his woman.
9. Something about women hanging upside down with their legs straight apart...
10. I bet it's pretty obnoxious to have Pink dripping her water all over you.
11. Oh, Stranger Bitch has a nomination? Why?
12. Zac Brown Band? Fuck them.
13. Fergie Ferg is becoming more attractive to me every day. Why?
14. I still hate the Black Eyed Peas though (but I do want one of those robots). I think it's because they really do think they're superheroes.
15. So I like this Lady Antebellum song purely for the line "I'm a little drunk and I need you now." Story of my life.
16. If Kathy doesn't win best comedy album, I will shit my pants purposely.
17. Of course Stephen Colbert wins. At least it wasn't George Lopez.
18. Fuck, I would take it up the ass for RDJ. I don't even care.
19. Ew. Jamie Foxx. Didn't this song come out like, two years ago?
20. Why do I feel like the guy in the white wig with his back to the camera is T-Pain?
21. I knew it.
22. Uh oh. It's Slash. Anything for money. He could play this retarded guitar riff in the wrong key and no one would even notice or care.
23. lolz Ke$ha. With a dollar sign. Up there with Justin Bieber. I'm confused.
24. All the rock album nominees are full of fail. Especially U2.
25. I still hate Billie Joe for naming his kid Jakob Danger.
26. Ugh. Zac Brown Band. Again.
27. Goddamn, I hope I have hair like Leon Russell when I'm his age.
28. I don't approve of these people doing the MJ tribute. Celine Dion? Doesn't she have a song to oversing 14 years ago?
29. The way Ryan Seacrest introduced T. Swift, I would've thought there was a cure for AIDS in her music.
30. Oh hey Taylor, invest in some singing lessons
31. WHAT! Stevie Nicks?! I could kill myself tonight.
32. White people.
33. I don't get why Stevie is singing backup for Squinty. I just don't get it.
34. Please don't let this MJ tribute suck.
35. Wait, did I smash my 3D glasses?
36. Yes, yes I did.
37. Mmm Usher. He should hook up with Rihanna.
38. ZZZZzzzzzzz...
39. Why is Bon Jovi a big deal? This is 2010.
40. Of course they want "Livin' on a Prayer."
41. Is Mos Def partially deaf in real life?
42. I wonder if Kanye was really blacklisted. He could've had his own category since he was on basically all of the songs in the rap category.
43. I decided to mute the TV. I quit.

My first kiss.

I was sitting with the other kids in my class in a giant circle playing Duck Duck Goose. Any time a girl was up, I was always picked to chase her around. I didn't have freakishly long spider legs back then so it was almost a fair fight.

A redheaded girl named Brittany made it fairly obvious she had a crush on me. When she would shout "Duck!" after tapping everyone's head, she lingered over mine long enough to brush her fingers through my hair. "Goose!" she'd screech as I bolted up to catch her. She screamed exactly like a six-year-old girl would scream if they were being chased by a boy they liked. I always let her get away.

Once everyone gave up midway through recess, she was still determined to get my attention. "You're it!" Suddenly I was in a game of Tag without even volunteering myself. Chased her all the way to the dinosaur bones, past the basketball court and around the track where she finally "hid" behind a dirt mound where we used to play "World War III." I say "hid" because she was in plain sight the entire time, and she knew it. She wanted me to chase after her behind the mound, and of course, I did.

When I got there, her back was against the giant pile of dirt like she was legitimately trying to hide from me. I plopped down beside her, sweat rolling down my temple and said, "How do you run in that dress?" I was seriously baffled. Even in shorts and tennis shoes, I could barely keep up with her.

We sat there quietly for a minute before naive Jacob tried to stand up. The bell was ringing, and our teacher was pretty strict about us getting back into class quickly. When I stood, Brittany grabbed my fingertips, pulled herself up, and planted a fat kiss on my lips. Then she ran. Typical.

I didn't know what to make of it then. My first reaction was to wash my mouth out with soap and gargle with peroxide, but I got over the initial shock and anticipated our next kiss. It never happened. From that point on, she completely ignored me on the playground, refused to stand behind me in the lunch line, and flat out blew me off. I didn't know it then, but she wasn't a rare breed at all. Turns out 1 out of 3 females are cockteases*.

* statistics made up on the spot

I'm coming (that's what she said).