I was sitting with the other kids in my class in a giant circle playing Duck Duck Goose. Any time a girl was up, I was always picked to chase her around. I didn’t have freakishly long spider legs back then so it was almost a fair fight.

A redheaded girl named Brittany made it fairly obvious she had a crush on me. When she would shout “Duck!” after tapping everyone’s head, she lingered over mine long enough to brush her fingers through my hair. “Goose!” she’d screech as I bolted up to catch her. She screamed exactly like a six-year-old girl would scream if they were being chased by a boy they liked. I always let her get away.

Once everyone gave up midway through recess, she was still determined to get my attention. “You’re it!” Suddenly I was in a game of Tag without even volunteering myself. Chased her all the way to the dinosaur bones, past the basketball court and around the track where she finally “hid” behind a dirt mound where we used to play “World War III.” I say “hid” because she was in plain sight the entire time, and she knew it. She wanted me to chase after her behind the mound, and of course, I did.

When I got there, her back was against the giant pile of dirt like she was legitimately trying to hide from me. I plopped down beside her, sweat rolling down my temple and said, “How do you run in that dress?” I was seriously baffled. Even in shorts and tennis shoes, I could barely keep up with her.

We sat there quietly for a minute before naive Jacob tried to stand up. The bell was ringing, and our teacher was pretty strict about us getting back into class quickly. When I stood, Brittany grabbed my fingertips, pulled herself up, and planted a fat kiss on my lips. Then she ran. Typical.

I didn’t know what to make of it then. My first reaction was to wash my mouth out with soap and gargle with peroxide, but I got over the initial shock and anticipated our next kiss. It never happened. From that point on, she completely ignored me on the playground, refused to stand behind me in the lunch line, and flat out blew me off. I didn’t know it then, but she wasn’t a rare breed at all. Turns out 1 out of 3 females are cockteases*.

* statistics made up on the spot

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