Self-Sabotage: Part II
After trying in vain for so many years to earn some kind of acceptance within my family, I started to think that it didn’t matter what I did because I didn’t deserve my father’s love, or any kind of appreciation for my hard work. This notion was only furthered by some of my early relationships where I put forth every effort to make a girl fall in love with me, and then, with the flip of a switch, I became an enemy, I was cheated on and treated like garbage. I never considered that I may have been the one to do something wrong; after all, I am Jake. I don’t make mistakes. At some point, I decided it wasn’t worth the fight and I started giving what I got.
Beginning in college, I started cheating on every girl I was with. It wasn’t like I had a problem with monogamy; my mentality was, “Well, they’re going to cheat on me anyway. Why can’t I spread my love around too?” I think I truly believed I was justified in cheating on my girlfriends, like they had done something to me personally to deserve me cheating on them. For a lot of them, I was spot on. I discovered they were cheating on me too; one of them even went as far as giving me something she’d gotten from one of her many side suitors. I figured fighting would be kept to a minimum as we were treating each other the same way, but apparently, I was MUCH more wrong than they were, despite the fact that I never technically lied to them (“omitting tactfully” is not the same thing, right?).
I ended up blowing a lot of what could have been great relationships because I treated all women like they deserved to be cheated on. I had good girlfriends who genuinely wanted to stay with me, even when I ‘fessed up and told them I’d been unfaithful, girls who wanted to make it work and were willing to forgive me and look past it. In my mind, I was just waiting for them to cheat on me too. I pushed a lot of girls to date other guys, then became all butthurt when they finally got fed up with me and moved on. I never felt like I deserved a good girl, like all I deserved were a bunch of 3-month relationships with crazy cheaters. Once 3 months rolled around, I got antsy and expected the worst. When it never came, I forced it. I was manipulative. I was ready for things to be over before they even began.
Most recently, I had something of a girlfriend who I’d grown attached to. I cheated on her in the beginning before realizing it probably wasn’t worth it to push her away. I’m 25 years old now. I was starting to get tired of having meaningless relationship after relationship. Not only that, I truly felt like I was falling in love and after the initial feeling of “No. Fuck no. I won’t do this,” I sucked it up, grew some balls, and decided to let whatever was going to happen just happen.
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