I haven’t seen my daughter in a while. Several months ago, my other daughter was the only one who could calm me down. She was my Zoloft when I had panic attacks. She was my cigarette when I was stressed. But she was so much easier on my body than any of these things. Now, I’m not allowed to see my oldest daughter, and it drives me insane. I sit at home all day, go to anger management, take an Economics class, then go back to my same seat. All I want to do is see her, but no one will let me.

Last week, I had dinner with my aunt to discuss the possibility of spending some time with my girl, but after being strung along for twenty minutes, I was shut down and told to stay away. How’s a man supposed to react to something like that? Leave. And leave with some dignity. Lord knows how difficult that was.

So I drove home, parked my car in my driveway, and cried. I cried because I was frustrated, I cried because I was hurt. I just wanted the opportunity to see her, and I was told No. I was also told that I needed to learn to not be selfish, and if I ever wanted things to change, I would have to stop choosing drugs/girls/everyone else over my own child. I never thought that’s what I was doing, especially since I only ever devoted all my time and attention to my kid when she was around. I guess my aunt’s word is law. I have nothing until she says otherwise.

To fill the gap, I’m getting another cat. I’m sure I’ll regret it.

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2. January 19, 2008
3. When I was 17, my father staged an intervention.
4. I Like Selfish People: Part II
5. I realized today I never wanted to marry you.