A Date With Barely McLegal
I knew this would be a disaster. I’ve been talking to an 18-year-old girl for a while who seemed cool some days, and naive others. In my mind, I was content not talking to her, but I kept thinking, “Okay okay she’s cute. Just one date. We’ll see what happens.”
I texted her this morning to make sure we were still on for that afternoon. She lived near town, so I knew it would be a semi-long drive. I had a long talk with my ex yesterday and I wasn’t looking to impress this girl anymore, so I skipped the shower. She’ll just have to take me for what I am, I thought. No matter what, I’m sure I’m ten times better than any boy her own age.
As of this morning, the plan was to drive to her place and pick her up around 11. I ended up overshooting how long it would take, so I got to her side of town about 10:20. I stopped by a Walgreens to pick up a pack of cigarettes and kill some time. At 10:35, I sent her a text asking if it would be cool to go get her or if it was still too soon. After another ten minutes of pacing, she replied and said, “I’m probably going to sleep another hour or so.”
You’re fucking kidding, right? I’m supposed to pick you up in half an hour, and you’re gonna tell me you’re still sleeping? I was tempted at that moment to hightail it back home, but I calmed down and smoked my first cigarette of the day. I guess she must have got her lazy ass up earlier than she thought she would because she texted me at 11 and said she was almost ready, but I could come whenever I wanted. I did. I took my time getting there and finally arrived at 11:20.
Note: I agreed to this date sight unseen. I’d only seen pictures. In her pictures, she was cute, and I never thought this would be anything other than a “what you see is what you get” type situation. It never crossed my mind that I was being deceived. We’d spent a week straight just texting each other, but I never really thought about it. As I saw her walking to my car, I discovered I was making a big mistake.
First of all, this girl was about 30 pounds heavier than I’d imagined. I even caught myself with my mouth open, I was so in shock. She smiled and in my mind I thought, “Fuck fuck fuck.” She gets in. My car squeaks. I’m terrified.
Also (and I hate to say this), I noticed her shoes were old, her blouse was dingy, and her hair looked like she hadn’t washed it in a few days. There was a slight sour tinge as she sat down and started moving around. She was dirt poor. I mean, I don’t care about these things, but when I’m looking for someone I might have a romantic interest in, bad hygiene just isn’t going to work for me.
We’d come to the conclusion that the best way to communicate would be for me to carry around a dry erase board. I wasn’t sure how uncomfortable it would be for her, but it seemed to work later. However, while driving, I couldn’t very well reply to her in writing. I was driving. And I think she kept forgetting this as she asked me questions while I was trying to figure out how the fastest way to get to Discovery Green. To make it less awkward, I handed her my iPhone and gestured for her to pick a song or something. She picked Paramore. I wanted to kill myself.
At Discovery Green, she kept asking me the most inane questions. Somehow, she confessed to me that she regularly stole things from gift shops. I told her I once stole Ramen from Walmart during my college days. Then she had a bright idea – “Let’s go to Walmart!”
Somehow our Discovery Green playdate turned into “Let’s go to the trashiest place in the world.” The closest one wasn’t even that close. When we got there, she walked ahead of me, then quickly turned to tell me that she was going to go look at some pants. Great! Now I’m all alone in Walmart. I start looking at PS3 games and grab Split/Second on a whim. For a full 2 minutes or so, I was tempted to just leave her ass there. It’s not like she knew where I lived. The worst she could do was blow up my phone. I decided against it, went back to my car, and smoked through about 7 more cigarettes before she texted me. “Waiting around for you! Where are you?” She finally gets outside and tells me I’m “gross” for smoking. I wanted to tell her to take a bath.
At this time, it’s around 3 o’clock, and I’m starving, but I’ve already decided that I’m not spending much money on a fancy dinner was this kid, so I start driving her home, hoping she wouldn’t say she’s hungry. Too late. The hippo decided for me that we were going to Taco Cabana.
Look, I enjoy Taco Cabana in small doses, but anything bigger than a taco gives me indigestion like crazy. Consensus says this happens to a LOT of people. Something about chain Tex Mex food. We order via drive-thru, and Barely McLegal orders 3 bean and cheese burritos, nachos with extra salsa, and a large coke. I just get an iced tea. She calls me anorexic. In my head, I call her a fat pig. For most of the night, I’m eyeballing her and wondering how in the FUCK this is the same person as the girl in the pictures. It baffles my mind. I mean, I see it from angles, but she was much easier on the eyes in her pictures than in real life. I was severely disappointed.
At some point, I get her back to her house. She asks me if I wanna come in and watch Aladdin (what the fuck, amirite?), and I politely decline. I was going to walk her to her front porch but before I could, I get this awkward handshake and a “Well, I had fun tonight.” She left so quickly I hardly had any time to think about what had happened.
Here’s the rub: she hit the jackpot with me. I’m tall with rugged good looks. I’m pretty much the full package (I’m exaggerating, but you get the point). I feel like an asshole for immediately shutting her down, but I probably could have been much worse. I could have made a U-turn and went back home when I saw her house or even when she blew me off to sleep. I could have left her at Walmart after she was openly rude and went to go shopping (now that I think about it, I think I dropped her off with newer pants than when I picked her up). But I didn’t. I don’t have the heart. I don’t have it in me to tell someone I’m not interested. I feel like her “great” personality was a trap to make me feel guilty so I wouldn’t drop her after seeing her. Don’t worry – my expectations aren’t too high. I’m a realistic man. I just wasn’t prepared for Allison from “The Breakfast Club.”
So it’s time to up my standards. I haven’t dated someone her age since I was 22-ish, but now the age difference is much greater, and it shows. I was willing to get past the no-transportation thing, but girls with no ambition, no job, and no plans to attend college so they can design a graphic novel~ have no place in my life.
That’ll teach me to chase after younger girls. Are you happy now, Booba?
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