No one can take away from what a good movie “Scarface” was. It had the right amount of humor to violence ratio and encouraged a whole generation of impressionable men that dealing drugs is the way to go in this country. I would never say that Al Pacino didn’t fucking kill it in that movie because he did; however, my penis seems to always find itself aching to watch “Taxi Driver” at least once a year to satisfy its thirst for blood.

Note: My penis is not a vampire, I don’t think.

My dilemma comes from never being able to find anyone, not a single person, who can agree that Robert De Niro in “Taxi Driver” was a much more established and well-thought out character than Al Pacino. Some people could argue that, at the base of it all, I am really only siding with “Taxi Driver,” not for Travis Bickle, but because the feud between De Niro and Pacino stems from the 1995 film “Heat” where Pacino essentially kills De Niro, and perhaps I have some need to defend De Niro every chance I get. I refute this by saying the following:

1. “Shark Tale” was horrible.
2. I could deal with “Meet the Parents” but after “Meet the Fockers” I no longer saw an amazing actor. I saw the shell of what once was.
3. Fuck “Righteous Kill” (even though De Niro did finally get to kill Pacino).

I love Robert De Niro. Robert De Niro in “Taxi Driver” was a much superior role than Tony Montana in “Scarface.” I mean, come on. Tony was killed in a hail of bullets after being so fucking high he didn’t know he was being ambushed. Awesome? Hell fucking yeah. I wish I could die with a nose full of cocaine. One can dream, right? But Travis Bickle is a fucking hero! And my man doesn’t die, despite trying to put a bullet in his head. He saves motherfuckin’ Jodie Foster. Not even John Hinckley could successfully do that. Thanks a lot, Hinckley. Now Jodie Foster will never act in a good movie again.

What does Tony Montana do? Fuck Michelle Pfeiffer and do a lot of blow. He doesn’t show even a fraction of the emotion that Travis Bickle does. Tony Montana even kills his own best friend. How is that admirable? Okay, so maybe Travis thought it was a good idea to take Cybill Shepherd to a XXX show. That doesn’t mean he didn’t try. He’s pretty damn socially awkward, but he was able to score fucking Betsy, even if it was only for a little while. Did Tony Montana kill a pimp and save a child prostitute? Nope. Did he work hard and make an honest living? Nope. Motherfucker could hardly handle a weapon unless it was semi-automatic. Tony Montana wasn’t a man like Travis Bickle. He was a tiny Cuban with a funny accent.

Maybe I’m actually bitter that Brian De Palma didn’t really direct anything worth watching after “The Untouchables.” Maybe I actually found Travis a bit endearing when he tried to win Betsy back. It was probably a bad idea for him to come storming into her building demanding answers. An even worse idea for him to go prepping to kill Palantine. But Bickle was a vet. He was an American hero, and he wanted to die one. Tony Montana saved no one.